Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
