i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Randomize
