so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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