there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
