i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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