i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the day after is always just damage control
of course. lets lasso hookers.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
