Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My penis needs a shock collar
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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