I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
