Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
