My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the condom got lost in my hair
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize