So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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