I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
