I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
