he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
