he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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