nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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