She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
