You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
