On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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