And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The Olympian is in my bed
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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