What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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