I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't deserve a penis
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
