If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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