I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You don't make any sense
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