I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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