New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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