sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
