fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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