obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize