need another drink. this is the easiest way
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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