the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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