I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
