i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
