Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
