I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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