It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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