Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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