i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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