Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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