just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
