The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
