my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We got so high we made milksteak
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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