I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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