Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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