I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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