somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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