I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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