I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
