like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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