I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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