fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
