So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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