ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
