is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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