Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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