life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize