Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
