You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
